Thursday, December 28, 2017

Vaults of Vyzor, session 30

(report by Sam Mameli)
Yareh's Journal 12/15/17
It's been a long few months. After Emma turned my stone to flesh I immediately had Barnabus soak that flesh with beer from the inside out. Being stone left me a lot of time to think about the nature of chaos and how most things I do aren't even my fault.
Knowing that I decided to immediately resume my careers as an adventurer and took up with a Gnomish Death Squad with a big honkin' mushroom demon at their back. I have no great love for Gnomes (The large donation I made to the building of their village was made after snorting a great deal of crystalized witch hazel, a powerful drug that's known to produce feelings of generosity coupled with a powerful high that ends with a melancholic orgasm) but I do have a sincere love for revenge and those that seek it so I was happy for an opportunity to kill.
We made our way through mostly familiar territory, killing the orcs we found in the training room. We captured a few and had them like dogs on ropes as we descended into Verdant 2. We used them and their spotty knowledge of the level to make our way past a door we think led to spiders and thankfully avoided another that they said held a swarm of something small and goblin-like.
In order to keep their loyalty I told them that they were both interviewing to be my new intern and the orc that offended me the least would get the honor of being my squire. They led us to the lair of an ogre named Klog or Krog or Derek or something and we entered his chamber. He was in the middle of building a rather macabre scaled down castle out of bones.
I snuck up behind him and struck with my scimitar, but my footing was off and I only managed to lance a large pustule on his rancorous ass. He sighed with relief and spun around so I though on my feet and said "Hi! We're here to help, do you need some more bones?" He did need more bones thank fuck and I offered him whichever of the two orcs looked more structurally sound. He selected and put the orc in a pot to boil off the skin and hair and other bits I imagine and while he was turned around I stabbed him in the spleen.
Thinking quickly one of the other gnomes ( I cant keep the names straight maybe it was Pitwidge or Durmthug or whatever) shoved the other orc behind them and we all pretended like he was the stabber. The ogre relieved him of his ugly melon of a head with a chunk of firewood and then I gave the secret signal to indicate that my bad comedy routine was all out of juice and Putmunch the gnome put him to sleep with a spell and we murdered him the rest of the way.
We pulled the orc out of the pot and informed him that he had won the contest and he had never been in any real danger. He told us his name was Uhuhuh. On the virtue of his choice bone structure and current status of "alive" I chose him to squire for me as the first member of the Knights of the Harpy. (I'm thinking of starting a mercenary company)
Uhuhuh led us to where the Gnomes were being kept and we killed some more orcs. I injured my ankle doing something heroic probably and we freed the gnomes. One of the clever little gnomey buggers enchanted the hallway to look like it was on fire and we high tailed it out of there. The mushroom demon set a few fire on our way out and for once we got out the dungeon without much of a scratch.
We decided after we got out to strap one on at the Thoul and I got fucked up on that good brown stuff with Uhuhuh and he and I went out into the woods and swam naked in the river of dreams. I'm not entirely sure of what happened next, (though I'm suspicious of the way that Uhuhuh keeps looking at me and blushing) but I woke up with some strange runes marking my orcish arm and the great will of Orcagorgon ping ponging around in the ruins of my hungover mind. I am overpowered by the need to do their chaotic bidding.
It turns out that Uhuhuh is a decent artist and he did some fan-art of me. I find this to be EXTREMELY worrying.